8.15.15

matt has been a bit distant lately. I was worried about it, but he swears it’s just him being introverted. Of course my idiot brain went into ‘what if’ mode tonight. But then my gut calmed me down and I realized something. If he’s half the guy I think he is, he’s worth the heartbreak if I’m wrong. And the truth reveals all. I genuinely feel like he cares deeply about me, but he is definitely still hiding something. He has revealed a lot, though. When he’s comfortable he will tell me. Or it will make itself known eventually. My heart still soars when I think of him, so hopefully I can get my brain to calm down.

   I need to learn to trust people again. I’m going to start with him. I realized in the shower that I haven’t had my gut trust anyone since justin, and it’s been right. So, I need my brain to calm down and let me follow my gut. 

7.25.2015

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. My anxiety has been ridiculous. I want to tell Matty how I feel right now, but I’m worried it will push him away. I don’t think he wants to see me as much as I want to see him. I think I should back off and give him some space. He’ll come back if he really wants me, and if not, it won’t hurt so badly. In theory, anyway. I doubt it’ll actually work that way. I’m really bad at distancing myself emotionally once I already have feelings.

Okay, so rewinding. I’m off this weekend. We spent Monday night/most of Tuesday together. I’m off this weekend and monday, but he’s working the whole weekend. He opens tomorrow and closes on sunday, so that is the logical time to me to see him, but he is acting like he’s busy and ‘might’ be able to see me sunday. I work for a week straight after that, so I don’t know when I will be able to see him after that. I want to tell him how I’m feeling. Maybe he’ll make me feel better. But maybe he’ll run. a;dlfknads;kjlfasdjfa;dskjfs;dlkf

Cont.

what’s  the point anymore? I am laying here bawling my eyes out about something I can’t change. My life is shit. I’m shit because of one mistake I made years ago. The only reason I wouldn’t off myself now is because I won’t leave my cat alone. He needs me.

Seriously though. I bust my ass at every job I’ve ever had for nothing. Busted my ass for a degree that now feels like it means nothing. I’m loyal to a fault, honest, and caring. But that also means nothing. I just wish I’d get hit by a car on the way to work. I have a shit work life, love life, and spiritual life, regardless of how hard I fight to improve them. Even Bastet has abandoned me. I don’t understand what I did to deserve this. I just want to be loved, but the only person I feel like truly cares is holly, and even she’s been incredibly distant lately. I give up on everything. 

Maybe the only thing worth trying to improve is my money situation. Maybe if I’m rich I can buy a ranch and help horses and maybe foster kids and still do some good. 

6.25.15

We talked last night about maybe having a relationship where we didn’t have sex until marriage. He can’t risk it the regular way, which I completely understand. But I might have scared him off telling him about that dream. He’s barely talked to me tonight. I give up. I can’t win for losing. Maybe I’m just suppose to be alone. I don’t know what I did to deserve this. Universe, you are cruel and unjust. Why do I bother? Why do I try so hard to be good when it gets me nowhere? I just don’t understand. 

6.21.15

I feel like I am trying harder than he is. I need to stop putting so much effort into something that could fall through at any minute. He could be pulling away because he has made the decision not to be with me. I might bring that up tonight. I think I’d rather be told through text. Less humiliating. I’d just want a few days to recuperate on my own. 

Ugh. I desperately wish to be held right now. I feel so down today. I can feel him shifting away from me, and it already hurts. I’m scared. 

More babble

another conversation with him is necessary. I feel like I should not have motivated things beyond where they were and I am concerned he will not make a clear decision now. I need to state that I in no way intended for that to work that way and I will no longer motivate progress. I want him to make a clear decision. I don’t want to pressure him into something he may regret. I need to show him I will be fine no matter what he decides. He needs to base this decision off of what he can or cannot handle, not off of my reaction. I will be fine. I am always fine.   

I hate chase….. Why me? What terrible thing must I have done in the past to deserve this?

6.20.15

So, I’ve been working a lot. I haven’t been able to see him much, but there was more progress in our physical relationship the last time I saw him, so that’s a good sign. He isn’t acting terrified of the lady bits. But I miss him already, which is terrifying to me. I want him to stay over soon. I just would kill to sleep in his arms. Which also scares the bejesus out of me. I hope I don’t get more attached to him before he makes a solid decision. I’m petrified he’s going to run from me. 

Also, had a dream about old Matt last night. We were young again and things were great, but I was cautious of him for once and instead of falling for him again, I rebuffed his efforts. That’s a good sign. That hasn’t happened before. Usually I just wake up in tears. But, I also hadn’t dreamt of him in a year or so.  

Please let me see him tomorrow? I need reassurance. This pit in my stomach needs to go away.